Sometimes I look around in absolute amazement. Throughout Christmas , I kept on thinking to myself how different my life was last year compared to what makes up my life now. And the ache that shaped every thought into Michael’s face. Then came Mikey’s first birthday. Talk about bittersweet...I can still remember Michael’s pride in helping me through his son’s birth. All of it is so hard to remember without breaking down but I’ve learned to treasure those precious memories. When the gravity of all that was missing really hit me, was on my husband’s birthday - January 2nd. The same time last year , we were just bringing home our son. I joked with Michael that I gave him the best birthday present imaginable and I know that I did.
I ended up going for New Year’s and realized how much I have changed. I have a new found confidence that I am just realizing and discovering. I wore a tight fitting dress that I would have never worn. And ,anyone that knew me before I got pregnant, knows the truth in that statement. This last year has changed me in often indescribable ways but the confidence to be comfortable in my own skin has to be one of the most drastic. Oh and how my lovely , supportive friends never fail to let me know how great they think I look! I love them for this!
However I think one of the biggest and hardest obstacles I have yet to conquer is the act of letting go. I have a hard time of letting people go. I always have which is why I have a hard time getting close to people in the first place. But I know this is a lesson I have to learn. I’ve learned so many - not by choice but I’ve learned regardless.
That was one amazing thing I noticed on New Year’s was the difference in myself and the people having fun and carrying on around me. I’ve learned something that most won’t learn for a while and ,honestly, it is something I cannot even explain just yet. But the feeling of disconnect was there. The fake smiles compared to the real ones, the attempt at charming laughter compared to the laughter from the heart, and the want to have a good time versus the want to escape reality. I am beginning to see my shyness as not a weakness but a defense. Or both.
There is just a lot I’m introspectively working on. Evolving. Adapting. Bring on the new year!
As always , thanks for reading :)
I ended up going for New Year’s and realized how much I have changed. I have a new found confidence that I am just realizing and discovering. I wore a tight fitting dress that I would have never worn. And ,anyone that knew me before I got pregnant, knows the truth in that statement. This last year has changed me in often indescribable ways but the confidence to be comfortable in my own skin has to be one of the most drastic. Oh and how my lovely , supportive friends never fail to let me know how great they think I look! I love them for this!
However I think one of the biggest and hardest obstacles I have yet to conquer is the act of letting go. I have a hard time of letting people go. I always have which is why I have a hard time getting close to people in the first place. But I know this is a lesson I have to learn. I’ve learned so many - not by choice but I’ve learned regardless.
That was one amazing thing I noticed on New Year’s was the difference in myself and the people having fun and carrying on around me. I’ve learned something that most won’t learn for a while and ,honestly, it is something I cannot even explain just yet. But the feeling of disconnect was there. The fake smiles compared to the real ones, the attempt at charming laughter compared to the laughter from the heart, and the want to have a good time versus the want to escape reality. I am beginning to see my shyness as not a weakness but a defense. Or both.
There is just a lot I’m introspectively working on. Evolving. Adapting. Bring on the new year!
As always , thanks for reading :)
