Well, hello there! I haven't written on my blog in a very long time. It wasn't that I had nothing to say it was just I forgot to allow myself to say it. Piece by piece I'm rebuilding all of me. This new shape is a beauty never before revealed, by any mirror or any eye ever seen. I've grown, expanding my views on certain aspects of life and narrowed my view on others.
I've learned even though I want to live in the moment , I really have to start focusing on my future. Almost like I have to re-learn adjusting the picture in my head with my heart. As if I'm taking a snap shot of what I want and how I see myself but I still have to force my self to adjust the lens. I have to correct the fuzzy , out-of-focus view in my minds eye because in life we have no auto focus. No instrument that can tell us what we need to do or what we should do. Just a series of choices and consequences. Constantly adjusting life's lens as the focus blurs a bit. Waiting for your heart to capture the perfect photo.
I had to adjust my view a bit this past month. Only because the sun became so bright after the sky was cloudy for so long and the glare blurred my view point. I met some one. He has given me one of the greatest gifts that another human being can give - his heart. He has placed his future in my hands. And ,at first, I didn't really believe him and I suspected the worst. I didn't understand that he saw everything about me and loved me for who I am. So many people "like" or "love" others with conditions and restrictions. Not Jerry - he accepted me and not who he wanted me to be or who he thought I was just who I am. And although my heart is a tender subject , a piece of glass encased in diamond armor, I know I can trust him to carry my heart within his own because he will break his before he will hurt mine.
Friday, September 21, 2012
Thursday, January 5, 2012
New Year
Sometimes I look around in absolute amazement. Throughout Christmas , I kept on thinking to myself how different my life was last year compared to what makes up my life now. And the ache that shaped every thought into Michael’s face. Then came Mikey’s first birthday. Talk about bittersweet...I can still remember Michael’s pride in helping me through his son’s birth. All of it is so hard to remember without breaking down but I’ve learned to treasure those precious memories. When the gravity of all that was missing really hit me, was on my husband’s birthday - January 2nd. The same time last year , we were just bringing home our son. I joked with Michael that I gave him the best birthday present imaginable and I know that I did.
I ended up going for New Year’s and realized how much I have changed. I have a new found confidence that I am just realizing and discovering. I wore a tight fitting dress that I would have never worn. And ,anyone that knew me before I got pregnant, knows the truth in that statement. This last year has changed me in often indescribable ways but the confidence to be comfortable in my own skin has to be one of the most drastic. Oh and how my lovely , supportive friends never fail to let me know how great they think I look! I love them for this!
However I think one of the biggest and hardest obstacles I have yet to conquer is the act of letting go. I have a hard time of letting people go. I always have which is why I have a hard time getting close to people in the first place. But I know this is a lesson I have to learn. I’ve learned so many - not by choice but I’ve learned regardless.
That was one amazing thing I noticed on New Year’s was the difference in myself and the people having fun and carrying on around me. I’ve learned something that most won’t learn for a while and ,honestly, it is something I cannot even explain just yet. But the feeling of disconnect was there. The fake smiles compared to the real ones, the attempt at charming laughter compared to the laughter from the heart, and the want to have a good time versus the want to escape reality. I am beginning to see my shyness as not a weakness but a defense. Or both.
There is just a lot I’m introspectively working on. Evolving. Adapting. Bring on the new year!
As always , thanks for reading :)
I ended up going for New Year’s and realized how much I have changed. I have a new found confidence that I am just realizing and discovering. I wore a tight fitting dress that I would have never worn. And ,anyone that knew me before I got pregnant, knows the truth in that statement. This last year has changed me in often indescribable ways but the confidence to be comfortable in my own skin has to be one of the most drastic. Oh and how my lovely , supportive friends never fail to let me know how great they think I look! I love them for this!
However I think one of the biggest and hardest obstacles I have yet to conquer is the act of letting go. I have a hard time of letting people go. I always have which is why I have a hard time getting close to people in the first place. But I know this is a lesson I have to learn. I’ve learned so many - not by choice but I’ve learned regardless.
That was one amazing thing I noticed on New Year’s was the difference in myself and the people having fun and carrying on around me. I’ve learned something that most won’t learn for a while and ,honestly, it is something I cannot even explain just yet. But the feeling of disconnect was there. The fake smiles compared to the real ones, the attempt at charming laughter compared to the laughter from the heart, and the want to have a good time versus the want to escape reality. I am beginning to see my shyness as not a weakness but a defense. Or both.
There is just a lot I’m introspectively working on. Evolving. Adapting. Bring on the new year!
As always , thanks for reading :)
Thursday, November 10, 2011
In the Living Years
Lately I have been having a rough time. But I didn’t want to admit that simple fact to anyone. Often I want to cry on some one’s shoulder... and I mean a deep, gut spilling confession cry that leaves you empty. Maybe because I wish I could be empty. Just empty myself of all that I’m feeling . Because I don’t want to feel this way. I’m over crying. I’m over missing my old life. I want to skip months ahead. What is the difference of now and then? Well I’m hoping that TIME will help heal the gaping massive wound that Michael’s passing left. I’m hoping that that magic and intangible word TIME will sew my heart together. But I guess that is the problem with my whole situation right now. I’m still waiting for someone or anything to fix my broken heart. But I know it doesn’t work that way. I have to be willing to accept that I’m the only way who can do this for myself. And I don’t mean force it - just let it happen. Accept my feelings for what they are and let them out.
Detachment has been my word lately and I know that it isn’t helping...neither is running from people who want to be let in. I don’t want to let people in any more. And that includes my friends and family ...telling them exactly how I feel is sometimes impossible. It always leaves me guilty when I do. Because the weight is so big, how do I justify sharing it with a friend? After all , this grief is mine to bare alone, right? Nope. I might open up a little after Ive had a tide of grief cut me down but ,when it pulls me under, I let myself drown without crying out for a life saver. And all that does is make me feel alone. Utterly and completely alone. Miserable and unable to tell anyone that I’m not okay! And lately this has been getting worse.
And this morning ,one of my girlfriends, texted me. She flat out told me she was thinking of me and it was just so sweet and needed. I needed that selfless gentle nudge of saying “hey , you are not alone!”. And I was able to nap. Ha! I know right almost anti-climatic. I didn’t have an immediate epiphany. I just felt okay for the moment and was able to take a nap. A good , almost two hour, nap because my son also was tired. And I had a great dream. I guess my heart opened up a little bit. I dreamt of my father and he was doing laundry - towels actually - and he put them in the my room. And I was about to say angrily “ Dad you woke me up and you are going to wake up Mikey” but I didn’t. I held my tongue because I knew my dad was just trying to help me out. But a song was playing in my dream called ,by Mike and the Mechanics, “In the living years”.
In other news....Modern Warfare 3 is an awesome game! Ha!
Detachment has been my word lately and I know that it isn’t helping...neither is running from people who want to be let in. I don’t want to let people in any more. And that includes my friends and family ...telling them exactly how I feel is sometimes impossible. It always leaves me guilty when I do. Because the weight is so big, how do I justify sharing it with a friend? After all , this grief is mine to bare alone, right? Nope. I might open up a little after Ive had a tide of grief cut me down but ,when it pulls me under, I let myself drown without crying out for a life saver. And all that does is make me feel alone. Utterly and completely alone. Miserable and unable to tell anyone that I’m not okay! And lately this has been getting worse.
And this morning ,one of my girlfriends, texted me. She flat out told me she was thinking of me and it was just so sweet and needed. I needed that selfless gentle nudge of saying “hey , you are not alone!”. And I was able to nap. Ha! I know right almost anti-climatic. I didn’t have an immediate epiphany. I just felt okay for the moment and was able to take a nap. A good , almost two hour, nap because my son also was tired. And I had a great dream. I guess my heart opened up a little bit. I dreamt of my father and he was doing laundry - towels actually - and he put them in the my room. And I was about to say angrily “ Dad you woke me up and you are going to wake up Mikey” but I didn’t. I held my tongue because I knew my dad was just trying to help me out. But a song was playing in my dream called ,by Mike and the Mechanics, “In the living years”.
When I woke up, I just had a feeling of peace. And a knowledge that it is my relationship with Michael that I need to worry about now. Michael knew I loved him and I knew he loved me. I’m secure in that fact. But it is the relationships that I have now ,in the present, are those I need to work on. Pushing people away and refusing to let people in , is only going to hurt me. I have developed some really fantastic relationships with people in my life. It is okay to let my past reality go and work on my “new reality”. And ,lord help me, the path is going to be hard and painful.
I have a wonderful support system. I really do. I think if I just concentrate on working on reaching out to that support system and working on appreciating the love I do have , and had, eventually it will come that I will be able to accept my new life. I’ll be able to let go and be open for an even better reality.
I love you guys...the ones I know who are going to read this because you know I need you to read it! :) Thank you for being there for me...really thank you from every part of darkness in my heart where you light a candle whether you know it or not!
In other news....Modern Warfare 3 is an awesome game! Ha!
Wednesday, August 3, 2011
The Big "W"
Dicitionary.com defines a widow as “a woman who has lost her husband by death and has not remarried". Sorry but that is a load of bull. I’m so much more than that... I’m still a wife that wants to wear her wedding rings, a best-friend that talks to her husband out loud, and a mother that wants help from her husband with their son.
My friend told me the other day that I was a “good wife”. And that really made me think... what am I still holding onto? My marriage? Everything that will never be and that could have been... I don’t want to become a bitter resentful ...wife. Im not a wife. I stopped wearing my wedding rings a little bit ago because I wasn’t fooling anyone and certainly wasn’t fooling myself.
And I used to really hate checking that word under relationships “widow”. Despised what it represented. The life that I had been waiting for ,that love that I always wanted, was over. It ended. There is nothing more final that what happened to Michael. Again, I’m not a wife … I’m a widow.
But I’m going to make that word mine! I won’t let any word sum my pain, my anger, my love , and my life by some pathetic sentence that excludes every thing I’m going through. I have decided this is a battle... a war I have to wage on myself. There are things I need to do to get on with my life. I need to start remembering that ,second to my son, I am the most important person. Not anyone else. I am becoming healthier in my eating lifestyle and I want to extend that to all parts of me. After all, this is a battle.
On that note, I have to say goodbye to my old gamer tag. Michael and I met on xbox and I used to be “Ocontrary” and ,when we got married, I became “Mrs.finbar1263” (Michael’s gamer tag was Finbar1263) I loved being “Mrs.Finbar1263” and now I have to love being... just me. And I have a feeling that is going to be the toughest part of my journey. Yes I said it - MINE! Yikes!
And I used to really hate checking that word under relationships “widow”. Despised what it represented. The life that I had been waiting for ,that love that I always wanted, was over. It ended. There is nothing more final that what happened to Michael. Again, I’m not a wife … I’m a widow.
But I’m going to make that word mine! I won’t let any word sum my pain, my anger, my love , and my life by some pathetic sentence that excludes every thing I’m going through. I have decided this is a battle... a war I have to wage on myself. There are things I need to do to get on with my life. I need to start remembering that ,second to my son, I am the most important person. Not anyone else. I am becoming healthier in my eating lifestyle and I want to extend that to all parts of me. After all, this is a battle.
On that note, I have to say goodbye to my old gamer tag. Michael and I met on xbox and I used to be “Ocontrary” and ,when we got married, I became “Mrs.finbar1263” (Michael’s gamer tag was Finbar1263) I loved being “Mrs.Finbar1263” and now I have to love being... just me. And I have a feeling that is going to be the toughest part of my journey. Yes I said it - MINE! Yikes!
Fighter-Christina Aguilera with lyrics
Friday, July 29, 2011
Waiting
So I went up to the dating pool and dipped a tippy-toe in to test the waters. However, the water was just too frigid , too deep, and I realized I forgot how to swim. I tried to work through some of my A.M.D (after Michael’s death) emotional issues at the same time. Long story short … I got scared and it rolled into a big ball labeled “misunderstanding”. And I don’t expect anyone else to understand if I’m not given a chance to explain. Putting your heart on the chopping block is hard enough much less if you recently lost your soul mate. And I know, I know …”too soon” are two words I’ve heard from a lot of people. But deep under the bitterness and the anger...I’m an optimist.
My friend (she knows who she is) gave me the perfect advice when I called her crying...something Michael would have said to me about not settling. I had a best friend and that is what I’m going to wait for and I know it will be worth the wait.
I need some one who is going to understand that I’m always going to have issues from Michael’s death. Watching someone you love and cherish die is going to do that to you. Death is very real to me now and I’m rebuilding my heart every step of my way. I need someone that will be strong enough to hold me because sometimes I’m just going to need reassurance - that everything is going to be alright. I know there are men out there like that. Michael was one...its a little harder for my father because he has the constant compulsion to fix something no one can fix. My brother-in-law , Joe , is another...he has no idea how much I appreciate his ability to calm me down just like his brother managed to do. Hopefully, I will raise our son to be one.
My friend (she knows who she is) gave me the perfect advice when I called her crying...something Michael would have said to me about not settling. I had a best friend and that is what I’m going to wait for and I know it will be worth the wait.
I need some one who is going to understand that I’m always going to have issues from Michael’s death. Watching someone you love and cherish die is going to do that to you. Death is very real to me now and I’m rebuilding my heart every step of my way. I need someone that will be strong enough to hold me because sometimes I’m just going to need reassurance - that everything is going to be alright. I know there are men out there like that. Michael was one...its a little harder for my father because he has the constant compulsion to fix something no one can fix. My brother-in-law , Joe , is another...he has no idea how much I appreciate his ability to calm me down just like his brother managed to do. Hopefully, I will raise our son to be one.
I know years from now, I’m still going to cry when I miss Michael. I noticed rather quickly A.M.D that crying upset others. Some it would make uncomfortable, some it would make cry, and some would try to get me to stop crying. But my crying is not a weakness, no - it is one of my biggest strengths. It helps me bend when others would break.
All of this made me realize that I am much stronger than I ever knew... and I am just beginning to discover that new part of myself. Even ,as scared as I am, I know some day I’ll find that person who loved me like Michael and whom I can love like I did Michael. Because regardless of who you fall in love with, I think the whole point of loving another is to bring out the best in that person by ,not seeing them not as pieces, but seeing their entire true selves and accepting them without judgement. That is where you find forgiveness. I have a great capacity for forgiveness...but some just have too much pride too ask or take that first precarious step in forgiving others. Finding that love like I did - and finding it again - is worth the pain and the wait. So here I am ... waiting. Peace and love to you all.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9FBKa-bCasY Israel Kamakawiwo’Ole Some where over the Rainbow
What is your greatest strength?
All of this made me realize that I am much stronger than I ever knew... and I am just beginning to discover that new part of myself. Even ,as scared as I am, I know some day I’ll find that person who loved me like Michael and whom I can love like I did Michael. Because regardless of who you fall in love with, I think the whole point of loving another is to bring out the best in that person by ,not seeing them not as pieces, but seeing their entire true selves and accepting them without judgement. That is where you find forgiveness. I have a great capacity for forgiveness...but some just have too much pride too ask or take that first precarious step in forgiving others. Finding that love like I did - and finding it again - is worth the pain and the wait. So here I am ... waiting. Peace and love to you all.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9FBKa-bCasY Israel Kamakawiwo’Ole Some where over the Rainbow
What is your greatest strength?
Friday, June 3, 2011
wildfire
Sometimes the pain sears
through my skin
scorching my veins
and in the center of my chest
holds the furnace,
fanned by useless wants
stoked by Love’s bitter tirade -
why should i be here
without you
in the first place?
Engraved on the walls
all the things that should have been
will always be there just out of reach
,untouched by flames,
seared into me forever
has left me demoralized and scarred
like a wildfire -
desecrates the land
from which it feeds
taking whatever it wants
seeming to leave nothing its wake
And yet, left behind
there is a promise
of renewal after the taking
nonetheless, I miss my best friend
far more than the part of me
that died with him
but the cold ,cool water of reality
has started raining down from heaven...
And Faith has planted
a tiny little bud -
a spec of green
amongst the blackened ,
withered ground -
and the voice beautiful in melody
mockingly familiar in sound,
telling me how to care for such a gift ...
"Only one thing will help stop the burning
only working through your pain will let it grow
only yours tears will give this fragile bloom
life....and you ,
hope."
thank you for reading, m
through my skin
scorching my veins
and in the center of my chest
holds the furnace,
fanned by useless wants
stoked by Love’s bitter tirade -
why should i be here
without you
in the first place?
Engraved on the walls
all the things that should have been
will always be there just out of reach
,untouched by flames,
seared into me forever
has left me demoralized and scarred
like a wildfire -
desecrates the land
from which it feeds
taking whatever it wants
seeming to leave nothing its wake
And yet, left behind
there is a promise
of renewal after the taking
nonetheless, I miss my best friend
far more than the part of me
that died with him
but the cold ,cool water of reality
has started raining down from heaven...
And Faith has planted
a tiny little bud -
a spec of green
amongst the blackened ,
withered ground -
and the voice beautiful in melody
mockingly familiar in sound,
telling me how to care for such a gift ...
"Only one thing will help stop the burning
only working through your pain will let it grow
only yours tears will give this fragile bloom
life....and you ,
hope."
thank you for reading, m
Wednesday, April 27, 2011
Signs
“OOOhoo Child , things are gonna get easier … OOOhooo child things will get brighter”. I’ve been singing this song for the past week ever since I heard it on the radio. I realize and understand that holidays are going to be a hard time ~ especially as Mikey gets older. Easter was no exception. When I see pictures of others enjoying the holiday with their families, a kaleidoscope of feelings - jealousy, anger, ...mainly an aching longing - threaten to make me a very bitter person. And all I keep thinking is how Mikey is going to wonder why his mommy is so sad all the time.
Last night I woke up to feed Mikey and the culmination of everything I’ve felt this past week wouldn’t let me go back to sleep. I didn’t break down, I just felt an emptiness and an overwhelming sadness. I went into the living room and started talking to Michael. The living room looks right into the bedroom where I sleep and I can see Mikey’s crib. For some reason, I kept on looking into the bedroom. As I was telling Michael how much I missed him and how alone I felt, there was a crash in the bedroom. I thought my mother had heard me talking and woke up and bumped into something in the dark. But when I went in the bedroom, my mother was just getting out of bed to see what the noise was and Mikey was remarkably still sound asleep.
Now as I look outside , I see not the wind itself but the tree leaves that the wind touches. You might think I am crazy or think I am just a widow in deep mourning looking for anything to make me feel better but I know the truth. I know that Michael woke my mother up because he didn’t want me to be alone. I was only talking for about five minutes and that is a small window of time for something to happen by just chance. He knew I needed someone to comfort me but , for some unknown reason, he cannot vocally do it himself. Perhaps that is not how the spirit world works. I do not have a clue but I do know he was was trying to help me out.And I didn’t tell this story so that anyone would feel sorry for me or sad. What I want you to take away from this writing, is be open to all possibilities. There is more to this universe and our lives then we will ever understand. Hold on to your feeling of happiness when you can … relish in the feeling of completeness because you never know when you won’t have it anymore. But there is more to life than all of this that surrounds us... there is more.
My mother told me Michael is “still taking care of his princess”. And all I can say is … of course.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)