In the Living Years

                Lately I have been having a rough time.  But I didn’t want to admit that simple fact to anyone.  Often I want to cry on some one’s shoulder... and I mean a deep, gut spilling confession cry that leaves you empty.  Maybe because I wish I could be empty.  Just empty myself of all that I’m feeling .  Because I don’t want to feel this way.  I’m over crying.  I’m over missing my old life.   I want to skip months ahead.  What is the difference of now and then? Well I’m hoping that TIME will help heal the gaping massive wound that Michael’s passing left.  I’m hoping that that magic and intangible word TIME will sew my heart together.  But I guess that is the problem with my whole situation right now.  I’m still waiting for someone or anything to fix my broken heart.  But I know it doesn’t work that way. I have to be willing to accept that I’m the only way who can do this for myself.   And I don’t mean force it -  just let it happen.  Accept my feelings for what they are and let them out. 
             Detachment has been my word lately and I know that it isn’t helping...neither is running from people who want to be let in.  I don’t want to let people in any more.  And that includes my friends and family ...telling them exactly how I feel is sometimes impossible. It always leaves me guilty when I do.  Because the weight is so big, how do I justify sharing it with a friend?  After all , this grief is mine to bare alone, right?  Nope.  I might open up a little after Ive had  a tide of grief cut me down but ,when it pulls me under, I let myself drown without crying out for a life saver. And all that does is make me feel alone.  Utterly and completely alone.  Miserable and unable to tell anyone that I’m not okay!  And lately this has been getting worse. 
             And this morning ,one of my girlfriends, texted me.  She flat out told me she was thinking of me and it was just so sweet and needed.  I needed that selfless gentle nudge of saying “hey , you are not alone!”.   And I was able to nap.  Ha! I know right almost anti-climatic.  I didn’t have an immediate epiphany.  I just felt okay for the moment and was able to take a nap.  A good , almost two hour, nap because my son also was tired.  And I had a great dream.  I guess my heart opened up a little bit.  I dreamt of my father and he was doing laundry - towels actually - and he put them in the my room.  And I was about to say angrily “ Dad you woke me up and you are going to wake up  Mikey” but I didn’t.  I held my tongue because I knew my dad was just trying to help me out.  But a song was playing in my dream  called ,by Mike and the Mechanics, “In the living years”.

  When I woke up, I just had a feeling of peace.  And a knowledge that it is my relationship with Michael that I need to worry about now.  Michael knew I loved him and I knew he loved me.  I’m secure in that fact.  But it is the relationships that I have now ,in the present, are those I need to work on.  Pushing people away and refusing to let people in , is only going to hurt me.  I have developed some really fantastic relationships with people in my life.  It is okay to let my past reality go and work on my “new reality”.  And ,lord help me, the path is going to be hard and painful.  

I have a wonderful support system.  I really do.  I think if I just concentrate on working on reaching out to that support system and working on appreciating the love I do have , and had, eventually it will come that I will be able to accept my new life.  I’ll be able to let go and be open for an even better reality.  

I love you guys...the ones I know who are going to read this because you know I need you to read it! :)  Thank you for being there for me...really thank you from every part of darkness in my heart where you light a candle whether you know it or not!

In other news....Modern Warfare 3 is an awesome game! Ha!